Spanky and His Gang Go to Washington
I found the following transcript on a USB stick in my microwave this morning. I cannot confirm its authenticity and I have no idea who the "Source" might be.
Source: Hey Devin, why don't you come over to my house? I want to show you something!
Devin: Sure! I'll be right over!
Source: Hi, Devin. Look what I found! Here's Paul Manafort's name ... in a word file! And see here. See, it just says "Person #1," but later, in the same sentence, he refers to "the Asshat!" So, you put that together with the "#1," and it's clear they're talking about me.
Devin: What am I looking at here?
Source: Proof that I was right. Barack did tapp (sic) my phones during the very sacred election process. This is Nixon/Watergate. Bad (or sick (or sic)) guy!
Devin: But this is a transcript of a call taken by Oleg Deripaska, Paul's boss and Vladimir's best friend. They only overheard Paul talking about you because Paul called him to check in on that thing, you know, the "pizzas?" I don't see how that helps you.
Source: It proves they kept listening when Paul called! They're supposed to hang up if we call!
Devin: I don't think that's how it works. Capturing Paul's call was incidental to them listening to Oleg's calls, not a direct result of them listening to your calls. So this was perfectly legal.
Source: That's what I mean! I'm vindicated!
Devin: Well .... Maybe .... Sort of .... Somewhat, maybe. Not really.
Source: Exactly! I'm somewhat vindicated! We need to tell the American people.
Devin: Oookay. So, when are you going to tell them?
Source: I'm not going to tell them. You are. I want you to tell them. If I tell them, they'll think I made it up.
Devin: Well, the font is comic san serif ... and orange.
Source: Right! I don't want to show it to them. I want you to tell them about it.
Devin: Well, wouldn't it look weird if I just called a press conference?
[Source and Devin ponder]
Devin: I've got an idea! Maybe we could put on a show!
Source: Great idea! My dad's got a barn! Well, I've got a barn. My dad gave it to me.
Devin: Uhh, no. I was thinking, I'd rush over here tomorrow to tell you about this and be all "the ranger's not gonna like this" about it, because you obviously need to know about it, because of all the "relentless" political attacks the press and Democrats have been making against you, because, you know, of that thing, with the "pizzas." And I would obviously feel a duty to tell you, on account of how this somewhat vindicates you not really but it will look and sound like it does, somewhat, at least to your base.
Source: But I already know about this. I'm telling you about it. I have the best brain. I use the best words. Why would you tell me something I already know?
Devin: Yeah. Yes, you do. That's okay, though, because they don't know that you already know.
Source: But ... would they be listening? I mean, they can't hear us now, can they?
Devin: No no no. We're in a secure location. But when I rush over here tomorrow to tell you about this, I'll call a press conference on your lawn and explain that I'm here to tell you this urgent information and that will vindicate you, somewhat.
Source: So we won't need the barn?
Devin: No, we'll use your lawn.
Source: I knew I'd figure this out! You want some of this fried chicken? I just got a fresh bucket.
Devin: No, I'll have the Chicken Kiev.